COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
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Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
😂🤣😂🤣
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.