The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
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I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
#SaturdayBears
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.