ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
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Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?