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I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Last-minute gift idea!
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
I missed you with all my darts
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.