Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
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I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left