“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
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Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Worth remembering.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing