If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
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If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.