Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
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Look at this
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.