What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
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If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what