Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
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KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today