[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
You Might Also Like
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
I like crazy people until they notice me
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!