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A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat