BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
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I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
*me flirting
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
🤣😂🤣
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way