coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
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I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.