“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
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not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.