Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
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so, is there a mister shapen head
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
me before I type out affect or effect
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Nothing.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”