Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
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[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
We decided to have money instead of children.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*