Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
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I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.