In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
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I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.