Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
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please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Not today.. 😂
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.