me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
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I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
pelicons
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan