Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
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Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
My Sentiments Exactly
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.