Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
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Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.