pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
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Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
How do dragons blow out candles?
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
God has left this place
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
All generalizations are stupid.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Can’t stop laughing
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid