Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
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I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.