Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
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*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.