If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
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“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb