Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.