“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
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“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list