A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
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my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
I didn’t come here to be called names
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Breaking news:
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.