male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
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Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?