Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
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Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.