I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
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As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Astronomers believe a black hole that鈥檚 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We鈥檙e not going to try to do anything about it.
And that鈥檚 how small problems become large problems.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 馃幍 The Exact Same World馃幍
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 馃幎Like a good neighbor, state farm is there馃幎
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
jesus, what did this guy do
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 馃グ
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive