ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
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Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
My time has come.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game