[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
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Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?