Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
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My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
me irl
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.