crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
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SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
😂😂
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought