Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
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There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.