Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
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Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.