As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
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[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
#JohnTravolta
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.