Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
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My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Noah
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
I bet birds love this building.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
The Friday File.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.