I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
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I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
adding to the discourse
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
I’m crying im so happy for them
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery