Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
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I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible