STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
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My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box