[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
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my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Wednesday
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?