Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
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Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Meanwhile in Portland…
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!