Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
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Brother?
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Childbirth is so beautiful
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*