Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
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It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
this is me
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.