The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
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*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
i- i did not expect this