Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
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If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.